I never really understood the term complete new creation, until recently. I envied people that I saw have spiritual breakthroughs and come out of a pit of such despair and a place of no worth. I have craved having a moment where I knew I was changed and that God did something miraculous inside of me until I was 14 years old. Today I am 20 and on December 31, 2015 I finally had that moment.
For six years I had gone back and forth of feeling hopeless, and as though I was nothing. I used anything I could find to fill a void inside of me hoping that it would sustain the desperation that held me in such strong bondages. I had moments where my faith was really strong and then when it was on the weaker side. I let my circumstances and emotions determine how strong my faith was going to be. I would have a break through, but something would happen and I would go right back into the same exact pattern of behavior. I didn't let Jesus be the one who was sustaining me.
When I was five years old I accepted God as my Lord and Savior. I have felt God’s presence so many times but once I didn’t feel it on me anymore, it was like nothing happened, nothing changed and I realized that it was because I had built so many walls around me preventing God to do work inside of me that was permanent. I wanted him to, but I wasn’t willing to give up my coping habits or my idolizations. I have always loved God so much but I held onto some things that I needed to let go of. I realized recently that Satan had me believing a lie. A sick and twisted lie that was I will not have people surrounding me and building me up if I am healthy. When I was 14 I was in a very unhealthy relationship with a mentor that I idolized, I looked at her as my savior and what I needed to sustain myself. She got a high over helping me overcome my behaviors and pain. Together we were toxic. In that moment I was so desperate for help and attention that I would create scenarios in order for her to help me with. I quickly learned that the more I was struggling with the more she came to my rescue. Being 14 and feeling completely alone and dealing with depression I soaked this attention up. Six years later I realized that I was afraid to let go of so many things because I felt as though I needed that attention and, what I thought to be love, by this mentor in order for people to care about me. When I think about it now it seems ridiculous. But it was such a learned behavior from when I was 14, I carried it with me all these years not realizing that I was even doing it now. I had so many struggles but I was so afraid to give them up because I didn’t want to face the pain that stemmed from them.
This summer God brought me to Lexington Kentucky. I asked God to show me what was keeping me from experiencing freedom before I left, I never imagined the work he would do. I had the privilege of working under a highly anointed woman at an organization that helps women who are sexually exploited. As I sat there and listened to these broken women, share their stories and describe their feelings I knew exactly how they felt. I understood feeling like you were drowning, their stories of attempted suicide and feeling like they were absolutely nothing. I remember being alarmed that I was sitting there and feeling almost jealous that they were going through a program that was helping them figure out who Jesus was, what their character defects were, had a support system that was huge and focused around Christ, and guidance that led them to life. I have incredible people around me and an amazing family but I wanted something like this. So faith oriented that God literally breaks things off of you in such a powerful way. I saw bondages broken off these women. Even though my story wasn’t exactly the same, though more of it than I thought would be was similar, I have felt what they felt, I craved healing and freedom.
Little did I know that my experience there was just a stepping stone for what he has for me in Lexington. I believe he brought me to that ministry to be apart of something completely different and meet my boss, who I believe God is calling me to work alongside in the trenches with broken women.
Even though I am not there currently, I had seen a glimpse of a promise from God. A promise of restoration, freedom, and to work alongside one of the godliest women I have ever met. While I was down their God blessed me with another set of spiritual parents aside from my own. God had used my boss, who I view as a spiritual mentor, and second mother type figure, to help me get to freedom. So many times I would ride with her back and forth to work and I hear God tell me to tell her something, either what I was struggling with or part of my story. I would sit there in silence arguing in my head with God telling him I didn’t want to. I was afraid to let her know that I was suffering so much and I tried to put on a façade that I was completely fine, and here to only serve with her not help myself. Sometimes I even felt guilty for taking her time when there were other people who needed her help. But God assured me that it was okay, and that was a lie Satan wanted me to believe. I came up with every excuse I could imagine. In the end, I began to open up to her even more. Although, I was afraid that I would attach myself to her in an unhealthy manner like I did when I was 14. God used her to break me of that habit. She would push me to rely on God first and foremost and it made the biggest difference. I became apart of the spiritual family that was created there based on God’s love and the love these new spiritual parents I had found poured out into so many people. They literally love like Jesus, it is impeccable, but it is God in them that draws people towards them. I was one of those people they loved on. It’s funny because even though I didn’t go through a program I still had the community that was established there in Lexington and it was so surrounded by God’s love that it had the same affect. I am a living testimony to love heals all wounds. I began to allow myself to open up, especially within the last 4 months of my time in Lexington and God had given my so many promises and desires that were good and of him.
This New Years Eve I spent it worshiping at a church in Lexington. I was surrounded by so many amazing women and just felt God move. I was struggling because I heard God tell me to kneel. I didn’t want to because I knew that if I knelt I would be allowing some of the walls I built for so long to crumble. I waited a while and still felt the same calling. I even walked out of the service for a while feeling restless like I was about to combust. I walked back and saw my boss kneeling on the floor. God literally pushed me. Guided my feet and brought me next to her and told me to kneel. I made the final decision to do so, but I heard him say, this is what you have been wanting to break down and be free, don’t let anything hold you back. I knelt and I remember I looked at my boss and she grabbed my hand. I moved closer and just held onto her but all of a sudden I just became so overwhelmed and filled with God’s presence. I put my face on my hands and just wept. I felt my boss wrap her arms around me and I just sobbed and my heart was crying out for God. I felt myself starting to fall over and I put my hand out to prevent us form going to the ground. My boss took my hand and put it back around her and said, “Let God have his way baby”. I let my hand catch me one more time before I finally decided that I was too tired. Too tired to fight to keep God out, people away, to block out pain. I needed healing, I need freedom and above all I need Jesus. I remember falling to the ground and literally laying there on my boss in front of the entire congregation. I didn’t even care. I usually don’t let anyone see weakness, I hate crying in front of people but God needed to do his work and I was going to let him.
I laid there in her arms completely shaking like I had no control over my body. I remember just feeling like I was going to burst. I cried for pain, I cried for freedom, I cried to Jesus to take everything that I have. I heard many people come to pray over me. Some of the things that stuck with me the most that people said is that, “God will show me why I am were I am, he will make bumpy roads smooth, peace is going to completely fall upon me, and that he will show me the root of my suffering.”
I know that I still have some things that need to be broken off of me and it is a work in progress. I know that I have work cut out for myself. But I can say with complete honesty and assurance that I AM worth wonders, I AM a new creation, and I want God to take EVERYTHING. It’s interesting this experience that I had. I have had breakthroughs with God, but I ALWAYS had something else on the side. When I had something else on the side, I didn’t have to completely face the reality of what I was feeling. Even if I dropped one coping mechanism or something that I used to fill a void, I still had another. It was almost like I was in such denial about the severe pain I was feeling and didn’t want to face or embrace it. I have loved Jesus for a long time, but my actions pushed him away from the center of my life.
I feel different. I know I will continue to have struggles and I still have work to do, but God healed me. It starts with allowing myself to completely break down and laying everything at the feet of Jesus. Trusting him with my life, and showing him that I want him to be in control. For me that was that moment.
I feel as though God has called me to work alongside my boss in the new ministry she has founded, specifically to be her assistant. I realized that because the most encounters I have ever had with God were in Lexington I thought being in Lexington was the source to my happiness. I idolized having this position God told me I would have. I also was not trusting him enough that if I were to go to New York for a little while, it wouldn’t happen. I was limiting him and putting him in a box. I idolized being in Kentucky and thinking that it is what I needed to be happy. Boy was I wrong. I am not where I want to be geographically at this moment. But I am where I need to be to show Jesus and myself that he is everywhere and I need to trust him enough to restore the desires and promises he has given me. I have prayed time and time again for God to take away anything that prevents me from experiencing him fully as he intended. I don’t think I will be in New York for long and will shortly be back in Lexington where I feel called, but at this time I am here to put God above all else and trust him enough to take care of me, and bring me to where I need to be, when I need to be there.
I feel changed. I feel like a new person. I feel like a lot of the weight has been lifted off of me. I get sad that I am in New York sometimes, but I can turn that in to joy with faith and hope, knowing that God knows what he is doing. I sometimes get jealous of those in Kentucky and doing what I feel called, but now, after this experience the other night I can honestly say that the jealousy is gone and all that fills my heart is pure joy and happiness that the kingdom of God is being built with so many people I love. I can be apart of it from a distance and will rejoice even more when I can be there physically present. It’s not about Kentucky, it’s not about Lexington, it’s not about being someone’s assistant, it is about Jesus, doing his work, loving people to life and trusting. I know I will be back in Lexington, but for now I choose to look at every day as a positive thing to share God’s love with those around me. Too move forward and praise God for the multiple blessings he has given me and the ones that are to come. To be thankful for all the people God has given me and know that even though some of them are miles away, they are still here. I am ready to “fight the good fight”.